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Over the summer, while some of you pretended to be more successful than you are on LinkedIn, I was busy becoming a psychic. That’s right. While most of you wrote your little emails and hopped on your boring Zoom calls, I was hard at work Googling how to become a psychic.

After several deep dives into the internet, I was suddenly able to see the future. With great power, however, comes great responsibility, and it is my obligation to the entire Syracuse student body to share the visions I have seen so far in my psychic career. Here are my predictions as an amateur psychic for what might happen this year at Syracuse:

1. An entire floor of Bird Library will be converted into another Popeyes. Acropolis wasn’t enough for the hungry corporate elites at Popeyes— the whole third floor of Bird Library will be converted into the popular fast food restaurant chain. In my visions, the ancient book pages will be used as napkins for customers to wipe their greasy fingers on.

2. The Marshall Street Preacher will take over for Chancellor Kent. This disturbing vision came to me in a dream. According to my vision, the Marshall Street Preacher will ban all forms of sexual contact on campus. However, do not fret, dear reader—it’s not like you were getting any to begin with.

3. My visions have confirmed that walking will be banned on campus. Instead, students will have to use VEO scooters to get to and from classes. Out with legs, in with overpriced death scooters!

4. We will lose a football game. Actually, I just got another vision. We will lose multiple football games. But you didn’t need a psychic to tell you that.

5. The Crouse Chimemasters will butcher their rendition of Jack Harlow’s “First Class.” Why would someone think that Jack Harlow’s masterpiece could be properly chimed? Only time will tell.

6. SU’s newest domestic program, SU Idaho, will not be successful. According to my visions, no one applied, with students citing, “it’s Idaho” as their primary reason.

7. Someone will begin breaking and entering into South Campus apartments, but not taking anything, leaving only Jimmy John’s delicious footlong sandwiches. After a lengthy investigation, the culprit will be identified as the Jimmy John’s manager, who was using it as a guerilla marketing campaign to drum up more interest in his store since most students prefer Chipotle.

If none of these predictions come true, not only will I be losing quite a bit of money, but the good people at BecomeAPsychicIn5Minutes.com will be hearing from me.

Published on August 29, 2022 at 10:14 pm