I’ve decided to go on a Facebook friend purge.

I have 959 of them, and yet I don’t think I could give you the names of 10 people I know in real life off the top of my head. There’s probably at least 500 people on that list whose daily updates (read: pictures of food) I could do without.

Here’s the problem: Some of them are really, really entertaining. They make me feel better about wasting hundreds and hundreds of hours on a social-networking site because hey, at least I’m not doing that to my profile.

There are the girls I went to high school with who I’ve never spoken to or met. They specialize in posting duck-face Instagrams of themselves, typically with an appropriately tacky John Mayer lyric caption. By the way, if you’re still posting pictures like that, you are definitely way, way too young to be pregnant and happy about it. Just saying.

Sometimes if you’re really lucky, they’ll post a status calling out the “haters” or just “people” in general. It’s a missive rife with vitriol, a minor declaration of independence: “People need to realize that I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got my job at T.G.I.Friday’s, I’m paying rent, I’m here to STAY.”

Obviously I’m paraphrasing — I don’t really think I could do some of these gems justice — but the joy of it all is that I basically get my very own “Jersey Shore” to watch from the privacy of my couch. Voyeuristic reality TV specializing in schadenfreude gets tut-tutted from the media every day. Yet we still watch it because, seriously, how else are we to feel superior to our fellow man?

Whenever I think I’m maybe drinking too much, I remember the picture of six Svedka bottles I saw on Facebook the previous night.

Whenever I think I’m getting too politically pious on my profile, I remember the uninformed “political activist” who does nothing but share Huffington Post articles accompanied by angry “Mitt Romney will kill us all”-type comments in all caps.

Whenever I think I’m worrying too much about things beyond my control, I remember the legions of people who take to Facebook to complain about the weather. Really guys, let it go. Syracuse has crazy weather, we’re all aware of it. Accept and move on.

And best of all, whenever I think I’m getting too vain, I remember I don’t post items about the following: the food I’m eating (really this has to end, society), the tea and/or book I’m reading with some majestic view in the background (look at how thoughtful and intellectual I am, everyone!), the outfit I’m wearing on a Friday night or my personal favorite, a vague and bitter status about how much better off I am now that (insert name of ex here) broke up with me.

So yes, I do complain about these social-media gaffes all the time and constantly swear to, once and for all, de-friend those responsible. Every time I try to finally go through with it, I always balk because they make me feel okay about the amount of time I waste sitting on the Internet.

Thank you, enablers. I wish I could “like” you all.

Kevin Slack is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at khslack@syr.edu.

Published on September 25, 2012 at 1:00 am